My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Randomize
