I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
