when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
