i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
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The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
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He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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