Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Randomize
