There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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