Whod you bang
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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