I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
is wine microwaveable?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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