Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
