Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
