He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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