Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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