dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
