I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I have post one night stand depression
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
