and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
