i was rollin on her like bob the builder
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
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I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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