your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
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My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
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I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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