I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Green mimosas i think yes
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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