so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
