Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
