but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
