you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
If that was your dad, he is hot
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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