I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
