Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Randomize
