the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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