She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Randomize
