I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
