Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...