I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
So squirting runs in the family.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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