this beer tastes like vomit already
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
