Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
