i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
