His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
