Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
