All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
