I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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