Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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