i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
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