perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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