if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
