I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
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he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
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Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
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