I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
