I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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