There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
After last night, I could never be a politician.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
