relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
