I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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