I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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