Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
