Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
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