I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
