why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
