At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
