Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
