Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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