We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Randomize
