note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Randomize
