So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Randomize
