I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
