Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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