I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
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