yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
